Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
A+ Viking dick
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