Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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