one two three fourrrrnication!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
