I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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