I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
