dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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