he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
