i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
