Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
