Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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