i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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