Porn is love you can see.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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