Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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