All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
