she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
