I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
