He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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