I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All I want is dick and wine.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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