then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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