I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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