as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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