I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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