Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
