I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
