Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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