It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
