i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
