If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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