I think I died a long time ago.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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