I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
this is an emotional support booty call
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
