So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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