U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you had me at cake vodka
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
