I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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