Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
