I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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