You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
