So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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