he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
