no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
