Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
