please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
