Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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