I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
