Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and she was petting her beer can
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
