first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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