my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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