This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
