i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
