Can i not drive my cunt home
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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