So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
